Browsing Tag

The Real Noose

Comedy, satire

“Mindfulness really helped me achieve goal” says mass murderer

Author: The Real Noose ( by Ciara Ginty )

Illustration: Christopher Harrisson 

Lenny Girly, 57 from Ohio, has praised mindfulness training in an interview with Psychopaths Monthly. He has said that it helped him “live in the now” and “not worry about my fears”.

Girly, who was sentenced to 27 life sentences last month, took up the training 6 years ago to cure his social anxiety and fear of blood. Both, he has said, no longer haunt him.

Mindfulness training is a discipline taught to help people not worry about the things that hold them back and to be present at all times. Rajesh Pritivacant, founder of “No Fear, Stay Here” the group Girly attended, commented on the interview saying “he was a mess when I first met him, just a guy who kept himself to himself. But the training helped him out of his shell and he began to socialise more.. In all honesty, I cured him of what ailed him and who can say they’ve achieved that? Apart from medical professionals”

People involved in new age healing have been performing silent protests inside their houses for three days as they are scared their belief system will get a bad name. We ask, with such great results, why isn’t yoga on the NHS?

We’d like to hear from you, does whale music make you quake with anger? Does the word ‘yoga’ cause you to unleash a pugilistic rage? Go on, tell us.

satire, Short story

“NUTS AND BERRIES WON’T SAVE YOU NOW!” Exclaims hostage taker at health food event

Author: The Real Noose ( AKA Ciara Ginty )

Illustration: Chris Hollis

A siege at the bi-annual Healthy Eating and Flatulence Awareness event at London Olympia is approaching its 4th hour, say police.

The incident started this morning after a disgruntled ex Holland and Barrett employee decided to lock all the exits and hold everyone inside using a stapler as a weapon. The perpetrator encouraged three others to join them in threatening health enthusiasts.

“We could easily take them down, they’re using office supplies to cause panic. We just thought it best to not get too involved” explained Chief inspector Hardstool “we’re unsure the motive and we sort of don’t care. Whatever it takes to keep self righteous health fanatics away from society, really”

One of the hostages found a way out and helped 12 others escape, amongst them was 56 year old Paul Simon, who stated “I just think no one has the energy to actually just push one of them over. Plus, it’s impolite to shove”

We will keep you up to date on the crisis as it happens.

have you ever been held hostage or have you ever held people hostage? We’d love to hear from you.