Author & Illustration: Mark Smith
We all know the story; The octopus waits until the dead of night and escapes his tank, he tiptoes down the corridor, karate chops the security guard, steals all of his clothes and his identity, lives for three years with the security guards family before one year suggesting a holiday to the Caribbean where they go on a deep sea fishing trip and he slips over the side and cracks himself up laughing all the way to the sea bed whilst his adopted family desperately search for him. He tells all the other octopuses ( no it is NOT octopi ) how stupid humans are and they slap their weird beaks together before watching Countryfile on a TV they made out of Mermaid scales and bubbles. One of the octopuses suggests Matt Baker lacks charisma and he’s shunned from the group and turns into a stupid squid.
Then they walk straight into a bright orange fishing net because it turns out they’re not that clever.
Remember when everyone went batshit because an octopus was predicting football results? Paul the psychic octopus. IMPRISONED IN A FISH TANK. Maybe he can only use his skills for football results? Which is the worst gift ever, even worse than that 20 pack of blank cassettes your nan got you at Christmas. Just me? Right. THANKS NAN. Unless it’s like back to the future 2 and the octopus is going to predict loads of sports results and write them down in a book and then pass it on to his idiot octopus grandson called Biff who will end up becoming rich. If that happens I will concede that octopuses are pretty clever. But until then I will assume they are not psychic, and only clever compared to the Golden retriever of the sea World; Penguins. At least penguins know what they are, octopuses lord it about like they OWN the place. We all know Whales own the sea because they’re fucking MASSIVE.
Maybe I’m bitter. I bet on the football every week and lose.
Oh and an octopus stole my dad’s identity for three years.