Author and illustration: Mark Smith
In the early hours of the morning President Trump woke up in a cold sweat. He clambered out of his car shaped bed and screamed for one of his Mexican maids: “YOU MUST TELL ME, JUST HOW LONG IS THE MEXICAN BORDER?!” he howled into the air like a shit wolf
“It’s nearly 2000 miles you Mexican bashing maniac”
“DRAT AND SHIT IN THAT ORDER. And how tall are Mexicans?”
“I mean, in general, like 4 foot?”
“If you weren’t my father I would resign right now”
Donald collapsed in a heap of flubbery blubbery butter onto his chaise longue, his hair settled back onto his head a second later, and he got busy thinking.
What a pickle.
He really was getting himself worked up so he picked up his etch a sketch and tried to sooth his mind with some doodles. He started with his friend, English PM Boris Johnson. It was hard to get the hair right with only straight lines, which made him think “his hair is like a nicotine cloud” and he laughed to himself so violently that it shook his own albino guff-cloud off his head. It also shook the etch a sketch so hard he ruined all his progress, which made him really mad at Mexicans again. An ill-tempered Donald resumed his doodling, a puckered-leather tongue permanently lolling out of his bewildered orange skull in concentration.
After Donald hydrated his tongue in the bird bath he decided to call Boris with his dilemma
“I have a problem”
“I don’t care”
“But it involves immigrants?”
“I need to build a massive wall to keep the bloody Mexicans out”
“Yes, I heard you, I’m just thinking”
“Boris, also I drank too much pooey bird water and now my belly feels saaaaaaaad?”
“Shut up, Donald.”
“But if feels sooooooooooo saaaaaaaaad?”
“Right, here’s what we’re going to do, I’m going to ship all of our immigrants over there and they are going to build your wall”
“But what about when they’ve finished? Where will they go? BORIS?! BORIS?!” Barked Donald, like Gollum choking on his own name “BORISBORISBORIS!!”
“Is your tummy still sad?”
“Oh it is it is it isssssssssssssss”
“Well I’ll send some medicine too and you’ll feel all better”
“OH BORIS YOU’RE THE BEST”
The immigrants travelled to America, made it a better country, and everyone resented them for it.