Author: Mark Smith
I WILL END YOU
There’s no need for that
GIVE ME MY MONEY BACK OR I WILL END YOU. RIGHT HERE. I WILL END YOU. I WILL END YOU RIGHT HERE.
SHUT UP. YOU SHUT UP AND GIVE ME MY MONEY BACK OR I WILL END YOU. RIGHT HERE.
Eventually I got my refund from the charity shop and felt on top of the world. I crawled on my belly all the way into town, I crawled on my belly because I like it when people look at me and think I’m a rat and then I spring up and shout “MAYBE YOU’RE THE PEST” and stride off laughing. You should see the look on their faces. Bloody weirdos.
With a pocket full of coins I headed to Costa coffee. I was knackered because I was doing well good impressions all the way, at one point I was doing four impressions at the SAME TIME. Well, that and the crawling made me very tired. When I was a child I did a really good impression of Splinter from Teenage mutant ninja turtles ( or was it Hero turtles? I really don’t care and nor should you ), my mum called it “uncanny”. Mum didn’t really do impressions but I think that’s because mine were so good. That and she was mute. Whenever I did a good impression my whole family smiled. What a golden age. Until my brother said my keyboard couldn’t accurately replicate drums and it all went downhill.
I bought a froffymocaquinoa and sat down.
“WHY, THIS COFFEE IS TEPID” I bellowed, much to the dismay of my fellow roasted bean devouring gloom weavers.
One lady, who’s top lip was riddled with cold sores, tried to hush me but I wasn’t having any of it, I marched up to the counter and peered over like a nosy shit.
There was a pathetic little coffee servant blowing on cups of coffee, just before handing it to another coffee servant who in turn handed it to the customer. Well, I’m ashamed to say I lost my rag “YOU ARE COOLING PEOPLE’S COFFEE WITH YOUR COOL BREATH” I shouted, before leaping up on the counter, grabbing one of those funny chocolate sprinkle cups, and dusting his entire head with chocolate. “WHY LOOK EVERYONE, THIS GIANT MALTESER IS COOLING YOUR COFFEE!”
We didn’t half laugh. One man laughed so hard he pissed himself. He said it wasn’t piss, but we called him foolish and asked him to leave. Another man said we should all call him “piss legs and clothes” as he walked out but I said that was unnecessary, he was embarrassed enough. The man who made the suggestion looked a little guilty for suggesting something so mean so we all cuddled him and told him to help himself to cake. The manager wanted to protest but then realised he didn’t make the cake so he wasn’t that bothered. I remember thinking at the time that was actually quite a selfish attitude.
I had two questions on my mind-
1) Who made that cake, and why?
2) Why would someone cool my coffee?
You could argue that would be three questions, but as they say in Luton “Fuck off”. Unfortunately I don’t know how to add the accent above the c.
“Why are you cooling our coffee?” I asked the manager
“to make you leave quicker”
“we thought so”
“I just wish I knew in the first place and this might not have happened” I said as I gestured with my skinny long arm to the piss and cake covered floor, two people were now on fire and the others were speaking in tongues. And where did that machine gun come from? That definitely wasn’t there before.
“that’s ok” said the manager
“I think you’ve been very reasonable about this. Can you please stamp my coffee card?”
I must admit, in all the excitement, I forgot I had left my nan at the charity shop.
It was time to go.
We all shared a warm embrace, even the manager, and I left to find my nan.