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Article, Comedy

John Barnes’ head used for drawing perfect circles in schools

Author: The Real Noose ( AKA Ciara Ginty )

Illustration: Mark Smith

In a strange turn of events, independent schools across the south of England have started using ex football player John Barnes’ head instead of a compass.

“It’s just a far more reliable way of drawing a circle” stated headmistress Claypool-Watfullford-Harringsmall of Barlingstone-Headlingwingle Academy for Boys “plus, it stops the boys from stabbing each other in the dorms. This way, only a sports man gets used, which is the way it should be.”

Other celebrities have been used for similar purposes, Robert Pattinson’s head was famously used to draw a perfect triangle from 2010-2014 and Reese Witherspoon was used for drawing straight lines, with pupils using the actress’ impressive jawline. Also, rather more shockingly, in 2007 Colin Farrell’s penis was used in universities to show how long 10 inches actually is.

“I’m getting paid well and it’s a great way to connect with kids and get them playing sports” Barnes told us, whilst lying his head on a year 8’s desk.

We want to hear from you, did your school ever use an appendage from celebrity? Do you think it’s just a good idea, or a great idea?