Author: Steve Head
Illustration: Chris Hollis
Hot on the heels of Genghis Khan and Mosquitoes, 2016 is staking its claim as one of the most prolific killers in human history. Having already felled lovable Potions Master Severus Snape and dapper space-hobo Ziggy Stardust, the murderous four-month old recently claimed another high profile victim, the Former Symbol Otherwise Known as The Artist Previously Referred to Once As Prince. Unable to mourn their idol fully due to the fact that all but two of his funky videos have been removed from Youtube due to ‘money’, fans of the diminutive song-doer turned to the Snapchats and the Twitterblogsphere to vent their frustration with a government that, they feel, isn’t doing enough to counter this new threat.
“I pay my taxes. Why should my children have to live in a world where 2016 could nob ’em off at any minute?” warbled one.
“I knew this would happen, ever since those shart biscuits in Westminster opened the borders and let 2016 sneak in undetected. This is why we’re better off isolated and utterly, profoundly alone. Vote Brexit!” splurted another, licking a crudely drawn finger painting of the Union Jack.
“I’m literally petrified,” shrieked a third, innaccurately, “I was immunised against Tetanus 32 years ago and now this happens?? The evidence is indisputable. Also, Roswell and Chemtrails.”
“I just ate a pair of scissors” chuckled a fourth, casually, before being immediately hospitalised.
The government deny any wrongdoing, citing the fact that 2016 is ‘just a time period comprised of 365 days in which things will probably happen.’ When pushed for further information a Whitehall spokesperson soiled himself and slapped a homeless man, before running headlong into a wall.
For its part, 2016 released a statement in which it explained that it was ‘only doing its job’ and that despite its awful, shitty, frankly homicidal behaviour it had ‘never been more popular on social media.’ Boasting that it had inspired more hashtags and Facepage statuses than ‘people eating food’, ‘slightly unusual weather’ and ‘Game of Thrones’ combined, 2016 insisted that it was also ‘way less cunty’ than 1521 in which 240,000 people were reportedly killed during the fall of the Aztec Empire.
Asked what the future held for it, 2016 tapped its nose and smiled coyly, saying that it preferred to play its cards close to its chest but that it had spent a lot of time lately hanging out with Keith Richards and ‘that prune-faced, daughter-chirpsing hatehole with a dusty merkin on its head that thinks it’ll be boss of America.’