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satire, Short story

“NUTS AND BERRIES WON’T SAVE YOU NOW!” Exclaims hostage taker at health food event

Author: The Real Noose ( AKA Ciara Ginty )

Illustration: Chris Hollis

A siege at the bi-annual Healthy Eating and Flatulence Awareness event at London Olympia is approaching its 4th hour, say police.

The incident started this morning after a disgruntled ex Holland and Barrett employee decided to lock all the exits and hold everyone inside using a stapler as a weapon. The perpetrator encouraged three others to join them in threatening health enthusiasts.

“We could easily take them down, they’re using office supplies to cause panic. We just thought it best to not get too involved” explained Chief inspector Hardstool “we’re unsure the motive and we sort of don’t care. Whatever it takes to keep self righteous health fanatics away from society, really”

One of the hostages found a way out and helped 12 others escape, amongst them was 56 year old Paul Simon, who stated “I just think no one has the energy to actually just push one of them over. Plus, it’s impolite to shove”

We will keep you up to date on the crisis as it happens.

have you ever been held hostage or have you ever held people hostage? We’d love to hear from you.

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