Author & Illustration: Mark Smith
I really like birds. I want to rub their soft bellies. Maybe one will call me dad and I’ll look all bashful and tell him to knock it off but he’ll keep calling me dad until eventually I have to explain that it’s scientifically impossible and he’ll fly off crying like a little cry baby prick, but also slightly more knowledgeable. Maybe the birds son will turn up a few days later and confront me about the way I treated his father but I just tell him his dad is a cry baby prick and maybe he should fight his own battles which surprisingly diffuses the situation so we play badminton for AGES and he doesn’t win a single point because he can’t even hold the god forsaken racquet.
I really like birds but I cannot, and will not, stand for stupidity.
My top 5 favourite birds, in no particular order, are; Great crested Grebe, Barn Owl, Heron, Golden Eagle and the Kingfisher. I know you’re screaming at the computer in your mum’s spare room that I should have the humble Robin in there but maybe you should wipe the phlegm off the computer in your mum’s spare room and write your own flipping list. And for pity’s sake help with dinner.
Anyway, what does a bird loving dreamboat do entice more feathery pests in to his loving arms? Massive fucking birdfeeder, that’s what. So I headed off to Wilkos to indulge my beaky buds with a food cage. I based my choice on the birds pictured on the packaging, which makes me wonder why they don’t put pictures of Pterodactyls and Emu’s on there instead of a bored Starling with poorly conditioned feathers and a look so sad it could melt the swirly bit in marbles. I settled for a feeder with pictures of Blue tits. They are probably in my top twenty but only because I don’t know any more types of birds.
Now I wasn’t expecting a Puffin to rip the feeder out of my hands as I put it up but I was expecting SOME birds within two weeks. NOTHING. At times I checked there were actually birds still by googling “birds in the UK?” and the results were astounding; there were birds everywhere, even Luton.
Then I realised my error. How could I be so STUPID?! I had set the bird feeder up in the jaws of a cat. I repositioned it to a bush and now it shits sparrows out.