Author & Illustration: Mark Smith
- Fold the paper in half. As you do it dramatically bellow “ONE!!” to your friends and family who are eagerly watching your brave record attempt
- Fold the paper in half again. This time yelling “TWO”. Make eye contact with your nan to reassure her this isn’t black magic
- Fold the paper in half again. Yep, that’s right, “THREE!”
- Fold the paper in half again “FOUR!!”
- Fold the paper in half again “FIVE!!” Ignore your uncle leaving the room, he has seen a lot in his life and this might tip him over the edge
- Now, as you’re folding the paper in half, complain of a slight tingling sensation in your left arm. Laugh it off “PROBABLY TOO MUCH WANKING” you scoff. Then, as you’re completing the fold make sure you slur the “SIX!”, maybe even dribble. If your friends and family love you they will be calling an ambulance. Of course you keep saying they’re making a fuss over nothing, but begrudgingly get in the ambulance
- As everyone is sat round waiting for the neurologic results you casually get the folded piece of paper out of your pocket. “Now, where were we?” you triumphantly holler, then as everyone leans in you say “I believe we have completed 7 folds, now for the final push!!”. You have only ACTUALLY completed SIX folds, this is the genius of the whole plan, YOU DISTRACTED THE IDIOTS. With your tongue stuck out the corner of your mouth you carefully complete the final fold. In a matter of seconds you will be on the shoulders of your friends and family being carried out to the car park, your auntie screaming “HE DID IT, HE REALLY DID IT!!”, they’ll barge past the doctor with your test results outlining you faked a stroke and you should see a psychiatrist.
- Well done. You are a National treasure.