Author & Illustration: Mark Smith
My mum once punched a horse in the face. You probably think I’m lying, and to be honest that’s fairly typical of you, but I’m actually telling the truth. The horse had my ear in its mouth at the time. I’m a total moron so my ear being near a horse’s mouth shouldn’t come as a great surprise. Is that a saying? Probably. Anyway, I’ve got my head sideways while this horse is gently clamping my ear, not gently like your nan buttering toast gently, more gently like your Grandad trying to operate a TV remote by smashing it like a piece of good for nothing shit gently. Is that a saying? One of these must be a saying.
My mum loves horses, she used to ride them quite regularly, so I was fairly calm at the time because I knew she’d crack out that crocodile Dundee shit and kind of meditate it into a calm state. Maybe that was plan B, because plan A was smash it in its long face. She just punched it. Just punched a horse right in its face. And it only bloody worked! My ear was unclasped and I was free to put my ears perilously close to other untrustworthy beasts. Oooooh look, a bi-polar otter!
It got me thinking; was this as surprising for the horse as it was for me? I mean, has that horse been punched in the face before? I hope not. Although if it goes around clamping kids ears in its sugar cube pit then it’s probably a bit of a twat so maybe people should punch it more. Imagine it trotting back to the other horses….
“I JUST GOT PUNCHED IN THE FUCKING FACE”
“Yeah alright mate, of course you did”
“I SWEAR TO GOD I JUST GOT PUNCHED IN THE FUCKING FACE”
“LOOK, THAT MORON OVER THERE, I WAS JUST EATING ITS EAR WHEN THAT SHE DEVIL TWATTED ME”